Part 1

Teaser

[EXT]: Babylon 5. (NOTE: this can easily be made using a pen and a lollipop stick, no need for expensive effects yet. Please, spare me the Bicylon 5 jokes). Lots of ships are moving around (this can acheived by throwing saucers at the model, and I'll add a line about lots of Vree coming to visit. Just be careful not to hit it)

SIMON(OFFSCREEN):
<radio crackle> Babylon 5, this is Captain Simon, I've finished out here, are you ready to take me back in? <radio crackle>

CALLUM(OFFSCREEN)
<radio crackle> Yes, sir, proceed to the docking bay. <radio crackle>

SIMON(His Starfurry comes on screen (A second hand model X-Wing, with bits of carpet stuck to it shoudl do the trick)):
<radio crackle> On my way. And, Callum, see about fixing this damn radio, will you? <radio crackle>

SWITCH TO INT., C&C CALLUM IS STANDING LOOKING OUT A WINDOW (Please, not a repeat of the window washer debacle, people)

CALLUM
Do this Callum, do that Callum...blah blah blah.... No wonder I can't get a date, I'm too overworked!

[EXT]: Babylon 5 again, the Starfurry entering the docking bay.

SWITCH TO VARGOL'S QUARTERS VARGOL IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A BOTTLE.

VARGOL(singing)
I had a little hair a minute ago, and it fell right from my head...

LINK MAKES STRANGE SOUNDS. VARGOL HITS THE LINK - IT STILL BEEPS. HE HITS IT AGAIN. IT STOPS WORKING.

VARGOL
That'll teach you to interrupt one of my drinking sessions!

HE JUMPS UP AND STARTS RUNNING AROUND TO WORK OFF EXCESS ENERGY.

SWITCH TO C&C. SIMON AND CALLUM ARE ARGUING

CALLUM
I say he was drinking again!

SIMON
Not Vargol, he's too busy for drinking. Hell, he's too busy to even eat! Unless...

CALLUM
Oh my God! No! You don't mean....

SIMON
Yes, I do....

END TEASER

CREDITS

MARKWCATS
It was the end of the fifth season of Babylon 5, a time of frustration both because of Channel 4 and our pitiful lack of love lifes.

SIMON
Except for me, I've got a girlfriend and the rest of you don't! Bwahahahahahahahaahahahaha.......

VARGOL
We kept getting into ludicrous arguments, and shouting at people asking when Babylon 5 would be back. We needed something to take our minds away from this.... It was our last, best hope for peace and quiet....

SIMON
ahahahahahahahhahahhaa......

JOHN WARD
The date was sometime in November, we don't *know*, the post was "Alt.babylon5.uk - The Blathering"

VARGOL
It failed miserably, because it was crap.

MARKWCATS
Oh yeah, well *you* do better then....

SIMON
aahahahahahahahahahhaha! Hahahaha! Ha! Hello? Where's everyone gone?

MUSIC STARTS PROPERLY, WE HAVE REALLY LONG CREDITS BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT

MUSIC
Doo doo, do do doo, doo do-do-doo, do-do-de-de doo.... (Please, better hummers than last try)

SHAUN
And so, it's penguins..

PHIL-J
None of us have whole minds....

SIMON
Nothing's sane any more....

SHAUN
If you go to Za'Ha'Dum, you will have fries.....

LURKER
President Mr. President has declared marital love. Sorry, I think that's a typo... Maybe it should be *free*...?

SIMON
We are here to create a situation where President Mr. President has the opportunity to destroy the Earth, but I stop him, showing beyond doubt that I'm the good guy here...

PROPER CREDITS START

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

END CREDITS

© 1998 Mark Dunne