Part 2

[EXT]: Bic^H^Habylon 5. Just to establish that the viewer is watching the right TV show.

[INT]: VARGOL'S QUARTERS. VARGOL IS LYING ACROSS HIS BED, DRINKING FROM A CAN. THE DOORBELL RINGS.

VARGOL
Who is it?

SIMON
It's me! And Callum!

VARGOL
Callum? Shouldn't he be working?

CALLUM
mumblemumblemumble <fading as he walks away from the door>

SIMON
Let me in Vargol!

VARGOL
Uhh.... Wait a minute, I have to, um, have a shower. I'm so overworked I've abandoned all personal hygiene. If you come in now, you'll pass out.

SIMON
OK. I can wait. If anybody wants to have a plot advancing chat with me, then they'll just have to do it here, dammit!

VARGOL
You're cutting down on your abso-fragging-loutelys?

SIMON
Yeah, Delenn decided they sounded undignified.

VARGOL (HIDES CAN BEHIND CUSHION)
I just discovered, I did have a shower already. Come in!

THE DOOR DOESN'T OPEN. VARGOL HITS A BUTTON. IT STILL DOESN'T OPEN.

SIMON
Is there a problem?

VARGOL
Yeah, the door won't open!

SIMON
Are you sure that's not just an excuse so you can drink?

VARGOL (REACHING BEHIND CUSHION)
No!! How could you say such a thing?!

SIMON
It's quite complicated, actually. Lots of muscles and things involved. I could give you a summary, if I had some t... Stop trying to change the subject! I know you've been drinking!

VARGOL
I haven't time to drink. I'm too overworked. The only person who has time to do anything interesting is you.

SIMON
Then you haven't been working.

VARGOL
I have too!

SIMON
What about the stack of files I found that you were supposed to read? They were in the pawn shop! They contained vital Alliance secrets! Anybody could have gotten at them!

VARGOL (PAUSES)
I discovered they were fakes.

SIMON
Oh. That's all right then. I'll see about getting somebody to fix your door.

VARGOL LIES BACK AGAIN AND STARTS TO DRINK.

SWITCH TO A CORRIDOR. SIMON IS WALKING ALONG IT. HIS LINK BEEPS.

SIMON
Hello, this is Simon.

CALLUM
<radio crackle>Ther<ssshssdjhb> a <sfdsfss>ranger here to see you <radiocrackle>

SIMON
You haven't the radio working yet have you?

CALLUM
Give me a break! I'm overworked! Vargol's overworked! We're all overworked! Give us a holiday! Pleeeeeeeeease!! I'm begging you....

SIMON
So, there's a stranger here to see me?

CALLUM
Two strangers... One of them's a Ranger.... And as Rangers go, they don't get much stranger...

SIMON
Which one is stranger, the stranger or the ranger?

CALLUM
The well, maybe they're both Ramngers, but the definite Ranger is a stranger Ranger than the stranger.

SIMON
OK. Any idea why they're here?

CALLUM
I think they wanted to have a plot advancing chat chat with you. I sent them to Vargol's quarters.

SIMON
They came together?

CALLUM
No, the Ranger, the stranger Ranger, not just the stranger, who probably wasn't a Ranger, arrived on White Star 23, the stranger, not the Ranger, on a transport.

SIMON
But they both want to chat with me.

CALLUM
Yes.

SIMON
I'll be in my office.

CALLUM
But I sent them to Vargol's quarters!

SIMON
Well, be a good chap and run down there to tell them. Vargol's link is broken.

CALLUM
But... but....

SIMON
Do it now, dammit!

CALLUM
Yes sir....

SWITCH TO CORRIDOR OUTSIDE VARGOL'S QUARTERS. MARKWCATS AND MOYRA ARE STANDING THERE. MARKWCATS IS LOOKING NERVOUSLY AT MOYRA, WHO WEARS A CAPE AND CARRIES A WALKING CANE.

MARKWCATS
So, Mr. Captain President Arch Generalissimo Simon isn't in there?

VARGOL
Yep. Just me and my.... er, my work.

MARKWCATS
There's no way to open the door? It's getting chilly out here in the corridor...

MARKWCATS GLANCES NERVOUSLY AT MOYRA. MOYRA GRINS.

VARGOL
Could you open the door using that stick of yours?

MARKWCATS
No!!

VARGOL
Just pry it open....

MARKWCATS
I'm afraid I can't do that Dave.

CALLUM RUNS ON, PANTING.

MARKWCATS
Callum, long time no see! How's the lovelife?

CALLUM RUNS SCREAMING DOWN THE CORRIDOR.

MARKWCATS
Was it something I said? He's always been luckier than me when it came to that.. Maybe he's sorry for all the times he taunted me.

VARGOL
Maybe Simon's in his office?

MARKWCATS
Where's his office?

VARGOL
I don't know. I never leave this room.

MARKWCATS
All right. I'll go look for it... Rangers are good at finding hidden information.

MARKWCATS LEAVES. MOYRA WANDERS OFF IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.

SWITCH TO SIMON'S OFFICE. SIMON IS SITTING THERE. HE TAPS HIS LINK.

SIMON
Ambassador Jacqui, please.

THE LINK BEEPS FOR A MOMENT, THEN A COMPUTER VOICE STATES: Unable to connect.

SIMON
Are you certain?

COMPUTER
No. I'm M$ software. I'm just guessing. I'm now going to crash, so that you'll never really know for sure.

SIMON
Hello?

NOTHING

SIMON
Damn.

HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR.

SWITCH TO C&C. CALLUM IS RIPPING WIRE FROM THE CONSOLES AND GIGGLING. STATION CREW ARE COWERING IN THE BACKGROUND. SIMON WALKS IN.

SIMON
Callum? Something's wrong with my link.

CALLUM
That's not my responsibility sir... I've resigned, and become a free-lance nutter.

SIMON
Oh. All right. I'll just get a new link then.

SIMON WALKS OFF.

CALLUM (TO CREW)
What are you all looking at? Come on! I'll take you all on!

SWITCH TO MYSTERIOUS PLACE. JACQUI IS ATTACHED TO A WALL.

MOYRA
I have to know - what would you do if I.... threw a haddock at Simon?

JACQUI
I'd tell Ian!

MOYRA
Why?

JACQUI
I've already told you, I don't *want* therapy!

MOYRA
I'm not a therapist....

JACQUI
NOO!!!! A relationship counseller!

MOYRA LIFTS HER CANE AND WAVES IT. DUCT TAPE FLIES FROM IT AND SEALS JACQUI'S MOUTH.

MOYRA
I'm not any kind of therapist. I am a mysterious Vorlon agent. Got that?

JACQUI
MmmmMmMmMMMmMMMMMm

MOYRA
What?

JACQUI
MMMMMMMmmmMMMMmmMMMMMmmMMM!!!

MOYRA
Oh, all right. I'll use purple.

JACQUI
mmmm.....

SWITCH TO CORRIDOR. MARKWCATS IS WALKING ALONG IT. HE BUMPS INTO SIMON.

MARKWCATS
President Captain Simon! I've been looking all over for you!

SIMON
What for? To talk about that damn mys.....

MARKWCATS
No! Something important! A plot advancing chat!

SIMON
Well, hurry up then!

MARKWCATS
We intercepted a coded Vorlon memo, but fortunately the cipher inadvertently translated it into Welsh!

SIMON
Welsh?

MARKWCATS
We eventually found somebody who could understand it. They haven't finsihed yet, but they've managed to work out one detail...

SIMON
What?!

MARKWCATS
It was instructions to Ambassador Shaun regarding....

SIMON
Regarding what?!!

MARKWCATS
Regarding....

SIMON
WHAT!!!!????

MARKWCATS
I'm sorry. I'm going to lapse into a trance like state and discuss a certain....

SIMON
NO! You wouldn't!

MARKWCATS
And she has the most *perfect* smile....

STARRING:

A NUKE'LL FIX IT as CAPTAIN SIMON JONES

REFLECTIVE SCALP as VARGOL

ENGLISH BLOKE WITH A STICK as MARKWCATS

RASTAFARIAN BALL OF GAS as SHAUN

LT. WHAT'S HE CALLED AGAIN? as CALLUM

RUTHLESS SOCIOPATH TP as ANDREW BRACK

MR. EMISSARY OF EVIL as VINCEH

REPTILE WITH A GLASS EYE as PHIL-J

HAHA I'VE GOT FIVE MORE THAN YOU as STEEVIE

BUMBLING BUT LOVABLE as JOHN WARD

DOCTOR PERFECT as MR 50%

MYSTERIOUS ENGLISH VORLON AGENT as MOYRA

RED HAIRED TP as SUZZIWU

DOES IT MATTER TO YOU? as RODDERS

HAIR AND BONE FREAK OF NATURE as JACQUI

I USED TO BE RELIGIOUS BUT NOW I'M A TRAINED KILLER as IAN

EPSILON 3 as FLIBBLE

A SMALL TEDDY BEAR as CHEESYSPOO

AND A THOUSAND ELEPHANTS as THEMSELVES

© 1998 Mark Dunne