Comedy Review #102

Episode: Souse Hunter
Cast: Bean (Itself)
Almond (M.Almond)
Soul Hunter (Smeagol the Wretched)
Delenn (1 member of the 3-tops)
Sinclair (The wooden guy out of the Ronseal adverts (what's he doing these days?))
Invano (Herself)
Kyle (Loser)
Frankie (Dr. Frankie)
Jeremy (As himsel (I don't have a speaking role - I'm one of the people who walks down the corridor in scene 4))

A mysterious bean lands at the station. Stuff happens. Bean leaves.

A mysterious floating bean in space prompts Commander Sinclair to get in his C5vs (C5 Version Space) and take mysterious action. Commander Ivanovo is at the controls. To us they look like the latest technology - To her it's just like a game of 'C5 Madness' by Bug Byte on the Speccy 48(+).

"I can't quite grasp it." says Sinclair. Ivo sniggers.
"Perhaps you should consider an Open University course in the subject."
"No, no... This C5vs's blasted battery is running down... And a recharge is out of the question..."
"Because life support's plugged in the same socket. Damn this giant bean." moans Sinclair.
Invano laughs.
"Damn that bean indeed. Hang on, I'll aim my gattling guns at it and blast it to kingdom come."
"Watch it with that thing!! Last time you shredded my suit with that thing.
I nearly caught my death of cold - About -200 'C."
Inva chuckles.
"It's nearly time for my dinnerbreak, so I'm outta here. 10-9-8-"
Sinclair makes another feeble grasp for the huge walnut with a pair of 'joke' giant tweezers.
"Damn this almond -"
"Walnut." corrects Invo.
"Erm.. exactly - If... I... can... just... reach... the... edge... of..."
"5." intones Invona, biting into a sandwich.
"maybe... I... can... just... reach..."
"Gnnnnghh.... Just... Can... Got.... To... Reach..."
Suddenly, the bean reaches out for the C5vs and grabs it. Sinclair receives a message on his comms frequency.
"Good thing I saved you there," says the bean, "You were floating around aimlessly - You could have crashed into me!! Fool..."
"Exactly." says Sinclair. Invoananan fires the Gattling guns but narrowly misses the bean.
"See!!" says the bean, "I just saved you from being blasted."
"This is not my day." says Sinclair, "Saved by a giant bean."

In Medlab, Dr. Kyle bangs on the glass containment unit containing the sole inhabitant of the bean.
"You stupid Soul Hunter geezer - If I had my way you'd be a lollipop by now - frozen solid in the depths of space."
The Soul Hunter just stands there and chants.
"Yuuu--aaaarrr--ee--aaa----ssttuuu---piddd---arssse------heeaddd... ooo-mm--aa--ee--ll--ee--mm--oodii===oodoo".
Dr. Kyle gets pissed off and hands it over to Dr.Frankenstein.
"Take over, Frankie. I'm off back to earth. This old geezer's just annoying me."
Frankie laughs.
"Yeah, sure. Take the afternoon off. In fact, take the rest of the episode off. Make that the rest of the series. No, in fact, just take the rest of your life off. See ya, Kyle. I'm da boss now."

Kyle leaves in a huff. Frankie goes up to the containment unit and bangs on the glass.
"Wow, it's some old geezer with an almond in his forehead. Is that fashionable where you come from?"

The Soul Hunter just chants away in an undecipherable language.
"I'llll-----telllll yyuuuuuu ww--hhhaaatt iiiiiiiii thiieeeenk oooof yoooouuuurr moooothhheeerrrr.... ooo--ddd--arn-ie---dill-o---mmm-bop----zigga-zig----arrrr..."

Sinclair walks in.
"What's wrong in here? What's the problem, Doctor?"
Kyle frowns.
"Our friend here doesn't want to talk. He keep stalkin gibberis. Hi sproble mydiag nosi stha the doesn 'tw ant total kato us."

"Say that again, Doctor." says Sinclair.
Frankie looks at Kyle.
"What are you still doing here?"
Kyle looks back.
"Dam. Nyou. Igue ssill seey ouat thep. Ub."
"Get outta here. Forever." says Sinclair. Kyle leaves in a huff.
"Thank god for that." says Sinclair, "One guy speaking gibberish is bad enough."
"Yeah." agrees Frankie, "*And* we've got this old geezer alien to worry about. Okay, old geezer - If you don't tell us what you're doing here, we'll get the... feather duster out. See that strap up there? Does the word 'Foot' mean anything to you?"

The Soul Hunter stiffens.
"You. Are. Annoying."

"I think we need a Universal Translator," says Sinclair. The Soul Hunter raises a central finger.
"I think that's pretty universal in *any* language." says Frankie. Sinclair gestures to him.
"We need to talk... Outside."
He nods towards the door. Frankie follows. They go out and wait in the corridor. People pass nonchalantly.
"This guy needs to be taught a lesson." says Sinclair.
"What?" says Frankie.

Delenn strolls down the corridor with a little wicker basket in her hand. She bursts into Medlab and munches on the basket while she speaks to the Soul Hunter.
"A light snack." she explains.
"I'm thinking the same thing. Same, same, same, yeeeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss."
"I work for the council." she says. The Soul Hunter nods.
"Do you handle traffic regulations?"
"No, no." she chuckles, "I'm on the *GREY* council. We debate... stuff."
"Minbari stuff, eh?"

At this point, we hear Aphex Twin's "Come to Daddy".
"I want your soul." says the Soul Hunter.
"That's the corniest line yet." says Delenn.
"No, really, I mean it." says our old walnut-headed geezer.
"It's not for sale."
"*Everything's* for sale." says the Soul Hunter, smiling in an odd way.
Delenn laughs.
"Yeah, right."

Soul Hunter considers. Then, he holds up a bag containing shiny objects.
"Look, little shiny paperweights. Little. Shiny. Yeeeessssssssss. Precious. Hiccup."
"Look. These things contain souls. You wanna buy or not?"
Delenn coughs.
"What's the price?"
"Your soul. You sign a little contract here. Meet me at the crossroads tomorrow."
"How will I know who you are?" says Delenn. Soul Hunter frowns.
"I'll be the guy with a 3-pronged fork. And the red cape. No, actually that's some other guy in the business. Precious. Hiccup."
Delenn chuckles.
"Okay, I think we can do a deal. I'll bring in all my rare James Brown LP's, and you get some Herbie Hancock stuff."

Walnuthead doesn't like it.
"Herbie Hancock isn't soul. It's fusion. Get some Stevie Wonder.
Delenn shakes her head.
"No. How about the 3-tops?"
"You're joking. They're just the Spice Girls of the 50's. Precious."
"Precious?" says Delenn.
"Yeah, like... Precious. Hiccup."
"You've been reading too much Lord of the Rings."
"Hiccup. Doubtful. Precious. Hiccup."
"So, are you going to exchange some vinyl here? Or are you just a time-waster?" says Delenn. Walnuthead concedes.
"Okay, I admit it - I've already got too much James Brown stuff. Goddamn it, you Minbari are never satisfied. Sod this, I'm outta here."

He leaves the glass cubicle and walks back to his bean, which blasts off into space. Delenn curses.
"Timewaster. Blast it."

Sinclair walks into the canteen and approaches Delenn.
"Delenn. You okay?"
"Yeah, fine. This soup's no good though. It's like water. What happened to Dr.Kyle?"
Sinclair lowers his voice.
"Well, officially, he no longer exists. Unofficially, he's back on earth, working on his hamster farm on the moon."
"Nice job." says Delenn.
Delenn looks down at her soup.
"This soup really is like water. Hiccup. Pass the bread."

The End.

1998 Jeremy Smith.