Comedy Review #414

This is the 3rd of my Babylon 5 comedy reviews. Now, according to the law of diminished sense of humour, these should get less funny each week.
Prepare yourself! Grit your teeth!!

Now, when watching this episode I fast-forwarded the Minbari bits as it made the rest of the episode more fluid and enjoyable. This may sound pompous, but so do the Minbari. Sorry Minbari fans!! There's no more Minbari-related humour.

Moments of Derision
414

Starring:The Usual.

Homer Simpson (Gary B) has a job to do for Mr. Mars bloke, "Phone" Bill Edgars.

Sheridan is missing Delenn. Delenn is just missing!!

Back on Minbar, Sheffield is looking worse than ever!! Where the heck did Delenn's little war spring up from anyway? Not many wars just happen in 3 weeks.

Lyta Alexander finds that not being in the telepath's union is a pain in the ass. Looks like the only scanning she'll be doing is looking through the job section of Telepath Weekly for a job as a trained dishwasher. The main advantage of being a telepath is that you know exactly what they're thinking when you go for the interview.

Next, Minbari bit 1. Neroon waffles. I fast-forwarded this bit, but I'm sure it was hilarious.

Bester's back. This time he's pretending not to give a damn about B5.
"Look, Zack," he says, "I don't have any business with the command staff. I don't have any business with you, or anyone else aboard B5. I don't want to buy anything, hire anyone, buy anyone, scan anybody. In short, all I want is a little PEACE!!!!"

Naturally, Zack grants him this request, on the grounds that he doesn't go skulking around suspiciously or hide behind plantpots. Naturally, Bester ignores this simple request.

Bester has also turned into a dietician. "Zack should get more fibre," he says wittily. But is this another veiled threat with rope in mind? And nooses? Or is it merely something to do with Zack's throat's capacity for petrol-soaked rags? Time will tell. Time will tell.

Gary goes walkies with a package. Zack susses it.

Claudia gives da news. Good nuus. Ships are going away from Earth alliance and joining B5's intergalactic taxi service. Clarke is annoyed at this, as he now owns MegaHertz rent-a-ship with his ill-gotten-gains, and B5 is in direct competition.

Bester bugs Lyta at a bar. Lyta don't get paid, and Bester wants her body.
It's a joke, fokes. Bester hands her a PsiCore donor card, which reads:
"Worried that when you die, your secret goes with you? Would you rather be saving lives, and more importantly, jobs? Don't worry, it's all taken care of. Just sign on the dotted line. Next time you open the door and accidentally hit your head on a 10-ton weight, or find your air-conditioner keeps on spewing out cyanide and the doors just won't open, remember your brain won't go to waste. Remember: PsiCares."

Lyta would rather put a bullet in her brain, frankly. Bester is fine with this, as long as she signs on the dotted line first and aims a little lower.

And where's Gary B. during all this? He's hiding behind the plantpots drinking coffee, of course. This annoys Bester no end, as that's his job.
It annoys Zack even more, as it's his job as security chief to make sure no-one goes around doing that sort of thing. Sack Zack!! Sack Zack!! Bring back the Nightwatch, I say. Zack's bloody useless.

Minbari bit two: Fast forward.

The plot kinda goes off the rails. Lyta is told that the B5 command staff cannot afford to keep her in cushy quarters. Strangely, this is exactly what Mr.Bester said would happen. And again, by being an idiot, Sheridan gives his enemies an advantage.

Problem with this is, why doesn't Lyta go to Sheridan and say "I need money. I'm the best telepath in the goddamn Galaxy. If I can't live in cushy quarters, I'll give PsiCares an advantage that will be the death of you and of all Earth and freedom."

Maybe she should sell her body for more money. But perhaps she's not charging enough.

Cool!! Zack wants to scan Gary B. Lyta doesn't like it. Zack tries the old apologising crap, known as emotional blackmail. "Oh, whine scrape, that's okay if you don't scan him...", just to get her to think "Oh well, maybe I should..."
And we all sit facing the screen, chanting "DO IT!!! SCAN THAT BAST-RD!! DO IT!!! SCAN THAT BAST-RD!!"

Gary B. now operates a pet-finding service. Some guy thinks cats and dogs want to take over the universe, but that's just a future plot thread Mr.JMS hasn't told us about yet.

Lyta goes beggin' to Gary. Gary wants to annoy Bester by having some cool telepath in his employ, namely Lyta, as a dishwasher. Nice work if you can get it Lyta...

Shit! Bester's back... Gary cracks a joke about Best's personality.

Now, this is weird. Does Bester scan Gary, or does Lyta scan Gary as well, or does Bester not scan Gary and Lyta does?

Anyway, Gary don't like having his head examined, for obvious reasons. He's Nutzoid!! He goes after Bester, and bests him with the old one-two. That's it Gary!! Kick his ass!

Zack chats to Bester later on, and has a major beef with him. I think it's something to do with him breaking his promise not to skulk around and hide behind plantpots.

More minbari bull - pillar of light - corridors etc

Yet more Minbari bull: Delenn does summat dumb. Pillars of light again.
Masonry.

Gary's woken up at 3 in the morning but we know he wasn't sleeping really, no he wasn't really. It's Fatman "Bill" Edgars on the phone. He don't like the dishwashing job Gary got for Lyta. He doesn't like it. But we know this confirms that Edgars could be related to PsiCares. Obvious, innit? He just don't want anyone finding out that Gary's gone Nutzoid.

Look who's lurking now? The Lurker's Guide to... Bester.
It's Bester and his goddamn personal log, you see. We can hear it somehow.
Bester's little plan is really going according to plan. When I say little, I mean it makes little sense. What a cruelly pathetic attempt to patch up some loose ends. Still, it's a bank-shot, and that means more money in the pockets. Stravinski's, not Bester's.

More Minbari stuff. I think I can identify the cause of all this Minibari stuff. JMS now suffers from Minbari War Syndrome. It's a sad thing, this war obsession, it really is. Let's hope he is saved before it's too late.
Send all your donations, please.

Claudia's anoyed. Is it those pics? No, Clarke. Clarke destroyed some o' dose taxis B5 runs around. Killed ten thousand civils. Claudia wants to broadcast it.

"It's another war!! We're kickin' ass. god help anybody who gets in the way." says Sheridan, and who can blame him? We haven't had a REAL war since the Great War!! Go get 'em, Sheridan!! Go in there with polysyllables and sub-clauses blazing!! Remember, you don't fight, you talk, goddammit!!

And, last of all, what have magnetic storms on the horizon got to do with B5? lordie knows..

*Predilictions for Ser.4:
Here are some predilictions for serie 4. Now, these are only predilictions, I don't know what *really* happens; only American viewers can predict the future. I'm sure that if only Sheridan could get some American B5 fans on his side, he could *win* this war!!

*Outcome:
TW Publishing:2
Gary:-1
Sheridan:1

The outright winner is clear. Gary Wilmot!!

Points for concussion:

  1. What does Bester want?
  2. What does Bester *really* want?
  3. What does Bester *really* *really* want?
    Zack a Zack ah.
  4. Where *does* Sheridan have his hair cut?
  5. Will Lyta sell saucy photos to FHM for the money?
  6. If Garibaldi is under the control of Bill Edgars aka a division of PsiCorp, and Bester of PsiCorp is using Lyta to get at Garibaldi, and using Garibaldi to get at Lyta, and Zack McKrackin' is using Lyta to get at Garibaldi, and Garibaldi is using Bester to get at Zack, then... then... er...
    Where's Jessica Fletcher when you need her?
  7. Why don't they have security cameras aboard B5? Or, for that matter, DS9? Surely this would make things easier for Zack.

*Please note:
The word "Predilictions" is (c) me 97.

Verdict for this episode: If you ignore the Minbari bits, it works!!

© 1997 Jeremy Smith.