Comedy Review #415

Welcome to B5 comedy review hash 4. Quite frankly, these reviews have been getting worse and worse; I've got to fight back, dammit, fight back!!

Predictions for this episode:
This episode is going to be flippin' brilliant!! I can feel it in my bones as I rewind the video. And that is my prediction.


** B5 episode 415 (or summat): "No Series 6, No Repeats"
** Prod. No. CCCCXIV

The episode opens with Sheridan's Captain's log. I thought they got rid of these in Star Kret, dammit!! Yes, that's it Stravinski, throw another log on the fire...

Vim makes a brief appearance doing something or other. Funny how B5's ambassadorial assistants appear to be named after cleaning agents...

*Delenn: Lenor (Lemon freshness)
*Londo: Vim (Lots of white powder)
*Sheridan: Markers (Well, permanent ones are difficult to get out)
*Kosh: Fairy Liquid Lite (say no more)

Ivynova's crackin' up as Sheridan gathers round all the alien ambassadors for 'a little chat'.

"Well, chaps," he screams at them, "We've got a problem, what? The rascal Clarke's gone too far, and you're the ones to help us kick his butt clear across the cosmos. Any questions?"

Apart from a quick game of Animal, Vegetable, Mineral, there are no questions.

* Title Sequence

* "Before bit" critique:

The Furst 5 mins of this one are better than the last 2 episodes put together!!

However, I also foresee this episode being somewhat like a game of Wing Commander 4.

** Titles over

Marcus is running down corridors and shovig people aside. He appears to be somewhat in a hurry, but he makes it justs in time to sign on the dole.

When he's finished, he drops in on Sheridan and co., to chat about the New War (TM). Sadly, he appears to have been to the pub first and ingested huge amounts of alcohol, and thus his speech is slightly slurred. Luckily, Sherry & co (TM) don't appear to notice, which is good, otherwise Marcus' credibility could be shattered forever.

After enduring Marcus' drunken gibberish, Sherrydan gets on with more important matters. These include reminding Dr. Franklin that the
use-by-date on the frozen telepaths is almost up, so they'd better start defrosting them in the microwave if they're to be ready in time for Bester's surprise birthday party.

"Let's give Bester what's coming to him," jokes Sherrydan jokily, "Telepaths on cocktail sticks. That'll show 'im!!"

* Jokes:

Q. What does a New York cop say to a telepath?
A.Freeze.

Q.What does a New York cop say to a Keeper?
A.Freeze, sucker.

In the next scene, we hear that Vir "Didn't do it.. I didn't do it..."

As he has a sheet of paper full of writing laid out on the desk in front, we can only conclude that he was one of the scriptwriters for "Rumours, Bargains and Pies". And guess who pops through the door? Yes, Biscuits back!! Mr. 'Biscuit' 'Barrel'.

Mr.Bisco asks what's been going on around here. Vir tells him about Sherrydan's plans. Biscuit says he couldn't care less about B5 or Earth, so Vir lectures him on morality - Oh, that's rich, coming from a fat murderer with an eyebrow problem. ;-)

In the next 'scene', PoisonIvyNosy asks how long should they continue running the drills? But what does DIY have to do with anything?

Next, we learn that G'Kar 'n' Londo are 'just good friends'. G'Kar's gone somewhat campy as he chats to Mollari. GK looks shifty. as usual, not making eye contact, but he's got an eye on Londo. LiterallyR out there.
WAR!! 'Ere, you, yer left bootlace is coming untied. Space him. Vacuum's too good fer yer..."

And so on.

Next, the Whitestar has a quick respray in about an hour - but it's like painting the Forth Bridge!! This, frankly, goes beyond suspension of disbelief, the idea of painting something so big, so quick. It is sad if Mr. Stravinski expects us to BELIEVE this is *actually* possible. ;-]
The Earthforcce ships have funny names: Nemesis? Heracles? Isn't that a Disney Cartoon? What a load of old Pollox!!

Great Line No.1:

Marcus:"Well, some ships are hostile, some more hostile..."

Sheridan:"Thanks Marcus. When I want to feel depressed I'll give you a call..."

Marcus is a great straight man to Sheridan... or is it vice versa?
General Commander of Hercules ship mega-overacts, twitching like a bunny...
He's a seething bast...

Sherry chats to an old friend; his teacher "Back at the academy" - Bit Captain Kirky?? I mean, with this and the personal log, next thing we know he'll be making out with Ivonana and any others he can get his hands on.
What would Delenn say if she found out about the affair? (apart from turning quickly on her heel and storming from the room...)

During the battle sequence, Marcus sounds like he just doesn't give a s--t.
No change there, then.

Sheridan pulls himself to his full height and cries: "Fire at will!!"

Who's Will? Clarke's evil twin brother?? Hmm.

Great Line 2: Mr.Twitching Like A Rabbit has promoted a geez on another ship to take over from the old captain. Old captain looks up at the gun pointed at his ear:

"Bob. I never knew how badly you wanted a promotion... until now."

At the end of the battle, space all around is just a floating scrapyard of CGI debris. Okay, own up someone: Who copied the wrong files into C:/CGI/? Come on, own up...

Londo gets G'Kar to sign his name - but not on same page. Like Mulley and Sculder from Y-Files, G'Kar and Londo clearly aren't talking to each other due to the difference in fees for the B5 movie. That's why G'Kar wants to sign a separate contract.

Earlier, Sherrydan gave a lecture to the Earthforce fleets about the military being 'in service to the Voters, yes we are', which was nice.
Voice Of The Resistance's acronym is : VOTR. Shame it isn't called Voice Of The Earth Resistance...

Garibaldi going to Mars - but he won't be coming back. As he says to the port employee:
"I will not return from Z'Ha'Ha'Dum. I won't return from Mars, either..."

Where's Kosh when you need it? At least he made *some* sense.

Last of all, considering the success of live E.R., how about Live Babylon 5?

A)Claudia's not all that good anyway with multiple takes, so who'll notice the damn difference.

B)The only probs I can foresee are live CGI rendering. But I'm sure they can do as good a job waving bits of cardboard with spaceships drawn on in crayon around...

C)Best of all, it rhymes!!

Okay, let's get a mark for this weeks episode:

Take the episode production code (er, 415 or summat), divide by the number of Great Lines plus the amount of Earth battlecruisers gained for the cause, and add 8 for no very good reason... And...

415/5=83
83+8=91%

And a very good mark it is too. As an episode, they don't come much better than this. More o' the same please, bartender.

(Percentages (c) Mr.Jones 1997) ;-)


1997 Jeremy Smith.