Comedy Review #416

* Welcome to this week's B5 Com.Rev (#5):

Well, all comments regarding the last one were appreciated. So, I just hope this one's okay (feel free to criticise or slag off) And without furthers:


* Title:The Teeth of the Enemy (Ooh, sounds spooky, dunnit?)

Hey, we start off with some boombastic events. Sheridan's League of un-aligned Earthforce Ships (SLUES) is joining up more and more ships rapidly.

Doctor Frankenstein smuggled his frozen telepaths onto Mars. Needless to say, they receive rather a cold reception, being telepaths. Well, and being cold.

Sherry's old ship, the Armageddon, comes flyin' thru hyperspace to join his LOSaS (League of Sheridan-aligned Earthforce Ships).

As Sheridan wanders upon the bridge, Marcus pops up on the viewscreen, cheery as ever.

"Sherrydan. They've got yer dad. Thought you might like to know. Oh, by the way, we're having a *party* back on B5 later. Thought you might like to know. Bye now."

Sheridan turns bright red and clenches his fist.
"By brimstone and gumdrops, this time Clarke's gone far too far too far.
DAD!!! Captain, patch me through to ITN."

The ITN news comes up. It's Trevor Mcdonald.
"And today, Sheridan, captain of the rebel forces, should visit his dad in hospital. His dad has come down with a stomach bug after eating, as one source said, 'too many pies'. He has been shipped to a nice hospital on Saturn. Enjoy your stay, Sheridan's dad!! And last of all, some birds like to travel south for the winter, but Benjy the Parrot got a ride he wasn't expecting when he sneaked aboard a battle-class Earth-cruiser, the Armageddon. Luckily he is still ali-"

"By gumballs and griffins, Turn that thing... off..." weeps Sheridan, sitting down heavily. The screen blips out. The captain complains.
"Hey, you can't sit there, *I*'m the captain here... Who do you think you are, anyway?"

An officer comes rushing in.
"Sir, charred body of parrot found in fusion fueldump outlet."

"Noted." says the captain.

"Let's go to Saturn" says Sherry dan.


Next, Garibaldi accuses Efrem Zimbalist Jr. (aka Bill Edgars) of having a silly name.
"Yeah, well it's not as bad as JUDAS! Nah!!" taunts Jr., dancing round the room. Garibaldi


Someone says "Load of crap" - yeah swearing!! Didn't know they had this on B5. First swearing this series!! Then again, if they can say "load of crap"
on The Simpsons at 6:00 pm, then...


Tall blonde woman accuses Lyta of being a git. Lyta refrains from turning her entire eyes black as this would only freak out the tall blonde woman even more.

Turns out the blondie woman just doesn't like frozen telepaths being shuttled through the place.

"We're not running a morgue here, Frankie."

"No, no, tall blonde woman you don't understand. They're frozen chickens.
We're starting up a restaurant on Mars."

"I don't believe you." says blondie.

"Okay, Lyta, scan me," says Frankie, "Am I telling the truth?"

Lyta's eyes go black. She frowns and lets out a howl. Then composes herself.
"Er, yes. He's telling the truth..."

Blonde woman scowls.
"Okay, I'll let them in. But you've got to pay Duty Free. That's 100 chickens at 10 bucks Duty..."


Later on, over dinner, Lyta spills the beans to Dr.Frankie about her time in the Psi-Corp. Frankie looks astonished.
"Jesus, you really are an evil bitch?"

Lyta refrains from comment. Blonde woman pops out of nowhere.
"Hey, no sexism Doc, this is the resistance, not some beach in South California with a bunch of rollerblading tall blonde bimbos..."

But it's close...


Sherrydan goes to Saturn to visit his dad and meets Garibalding/Homer Simpson/Bruce/Gary/Nuttter in a bar by coincidence. A conversation ensues:
"Sheridan." greets Gary.
"Michael." greets Sherry.
"Sheridan," nods Gary.
"Michael,"growls Sherry.

Gary sticks an "I Luv B5" sticker on the back of Sherry's hand. Sherry howls like a vampire. To his eyes, Garibaldi looks bloated and even more like Homer Simpson than usual.

"Don't fight it, John. That sticker's only the start. It's a trap, John, working for the show. Even when you're *gone* from the show, the fans'll keep coming. They'll get you. They'll get you at conventions."

"But what about Claudia?"

"Claudia's GONE ,John. Just FORGET about it. Okay, here come the fans. I've been brainwashed by the producers, John, I can cope with it, I'll just get more and more bloated until the fans don't recognise me. But you don't stand a chance. Your haircut hasn't even changed in 2 seasons, for chrissake..."

Some screaming B5 fans start hitting John with autograph books. Sherry gets in a bar brawl - always putting his foot in it. Cue hilarious western-style bit with guy falling out of, er, wooden window. 15 minutes later, the PsiCorp arrive to drag him away.

Score 1 for the fans!!

Gary just looks silly and stroby for a while, then shuffles back home to Edgars' place.

Just one question: has this turned into David Lynxh's Lost Highway? It's all weird and strobey... help...


The first Claudia & Marcus hear about Sherry's capture is at that evening's party back on B5.

"Hic," says Marcus, "ISDN, er, ISN, er I mean ITN says that Sheridan, our captain geez, has been captures. I mean captured by Earhs forzz."

A cheer goes up.

"No, wait for the best bit," mumbles Marcus, popping another cheesey Pretzel in his gob, "They say he's okay and well-fed, and not being beaten around the head with the flat of a large axe."

Claudia ceases her helpless giggling.
"Well, you know what I say? Get the B5 lawyers on the case and petition a Habeus Corpse!! Bring me the body!! 'Cos Sheridan, he's not getting out of there alive."

There is a solemn pause as everyone realises the implications as this.
Then, the party and laughter resumes as normal.
"Hey," shouts Marcus, "You lot listen up... Who ate all the cheese pretzels?"


Delenn, however, is not taking the matter lightly She wakes up and Bill Mummy is at the door.
"Sheridan's in trouble."

"Where's Robbie the Robot when you need him?"

"I have... a plan..." says Delenn mysteriously, turns on her heel and storms out of her bedroom. Bill Mummy stares in amazement at the
Delenn-shaped hole in the wall.

"Once she's got an idea, you just can't stop her."

He shakes his head and leaves the room... by the door.


Garibaldi sits looking pompous and stares at Edgars, who's sat looking pompous.

"I want the truth," says Gary in his best Tom Cruise.

"THE TRUTH? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!" says Edgars in his best Jack Nicholson.

"SSchwhchhh schhchshchhwhshch, big thingschsch" says Wade Schwade in his best gibberish, actually rolling his 'Sch's.

"Telepaths are bad, let's kill 'em. Or control 'em. See this thingy here?"
says B.Edgars, showing Gary his vial of eyedrops encased in perspex.

"Looks like some kind of... woodwork project you did at school," guesses Gary.

"Wrung." says Schwade, "Vary wrung. Schis ijs taliputh duth killjit."

Gary nods.

"Kill kill kill." says Edgars, simply, and leaves the room with Schwade.

Edgar's wife is, improbably, hiding behind the plantpots in the corner.

She has a chat with Gary about how he's a loser and she's got loads of alimony, and leaves, but she fails to notice... Bester hiding in the plantpots at the other end of the room. Bester comes out to confront Gary, wielding dental devices.

"Hello, Mr.Garibaldi," says Bester, reading from a script Gary is holding up, "Er, let me see. Oh yes 'Is it safe? Is it safe?'. Hmm. Pick up drill and attach small bit. Ahem. Place drill in Michael's mouth."

Whining noises ensue. Bester woodenly extracts Gary's tooth. Gary screams a bit. Bester holds up the tooth and tries to act.

"Er... lemme see.. 'Mr Gari - boldi. I have your tooth and this...
conterns... contains... your memories for the last 4 years, when Psi-Corp inducted you when you joined Babylon 5. I shall go.. now and never return.
You will wake up on a train, and have forgotten the last 4 years, of every having been on Babylon 5. You will think you never left Mars and marry Liz, who has also been inducted into the PsiCorp for 4 years, and marry hapily ever, er, after?' Got it!! Right, I'm off to get my paycheque for this."

Bester leaves mysteriously. Harlan Ellison pops out from behind the other plantpots and confronts Garibaldi, who looks confused.

"Mr Garibaldi," he mutters, "You Have a Mouth, but Cannot Scream."


Garibaldi wakes up on a train. Sat opposite is Liz.
"Hiya Gary," she says.
"It's been a long trip," he says.
"Oh Gary," she says.
"Oh Liz," he says.
They reach to embrace. Then Liz looks in his mouth.
"Err... I hate to say this Garibaldi, but you've got little holes in your teeth. Jesus, what a freak. I'm outta here."

She jumps off the train.
"Damn," says Garibaldi, and spends some time trying to suck himself up into his own eye.. He succeeds.

Credits roll.


Court's Verdict:

99%. They really don't come any better than this. This episode is on a par with some of the better Series 3 ones.

Points of Concurrence:

1: How many holes does it take to fill the plot?

2:Will Garibaldi go to a dentist's to rekindle Liz's love?

2.5: Liz is going to inherit so much cash you could weep even considering it. If Gary can get so much cash and power on his side, he may be able to get some credibility back. Or will he sit on a sofa watching baseball and eating burgers, shouting "Ah, Lize, get oudda da way of da TV. Doh!!"

3: Is Bester ever going to kick the 'hiding behind plantpots' habit?

4: Did Harlan Ellison run away TO a circus, or run away FROM a circus when he was young?

5: Will Sheridan make it back alive to supervise his frozen telepaths? Does Claudia know about the FHM FTPs OM? (Freaky Hair Missing Frozen TelePaths On Mars).

6: Where will Sheridan get his hair cut in Prison?

7: Will Bester Best everyone with PsiCorp? Can Sheridan's telepaths conquer the PsiCorp and rule the day?

7.5: Does anyone think the Edgars crime-scene photographing the bodies bit on ISDN was just like the Murder One opening sequence?

8: Why don't they just fire up the time machine on Epsilon 3 and change stuff willy-nilly?

Well, as Zathras and his 8 brothers would say: "Time will tell, aaaah, time will tell..."


1997 Jeremy Smith.