Comedy Review #419

Comedy Review 8: Between the Baking and the Be-ro Light.

The place: Interrogation Room.

The time: Morning, noon or night. Pick one.

Sheridan is having a quick coffee with Franklin, whilst in captivity. My, how that astral projection machine on Episilon 3 comes in handy.

"Mmm-mm... They sure make good filtered coffee hereabouts...." says Dr.Franklin.

But the mug of Nas'cafe turns sour in the mouth as Sheridan realises he's being tricked - this is instant coffee, not filtered.

"You people are SICK," he intones, "Assaulting my senses with the wrong kind of coffee."

A quick electric shock to the neck shuts him up.

Credits roll.


Back on Mars, Garibaldi tells the truth.

"I was walking down to the supermarket on Mars when I was abducted by the shadows. They got me with their green tractor beam. Damn, I'm telling you it's the TRUTH. Bester's in on this too."

Tall blonde woman pouts.
"Why should we believe you? I don't believe you. Sounds like off-the-shelf nickel-and-dime comicbook stuff to me."

Garibaldi sighs.
"Okay. Well, really, what actually happened was the Psi-Cops rang me up anonymously and said I'd won free catfood for a year, but I had to go to Mars for the TV promotion. Naturally, I couldn't refuse..."

Tall blonde woman clenches her hand into a fist and starts to swing her arm round and round, faster and faster.
"But you don't HAVE a cat."

Garibaldi thinks fast.
"Umm... the Narn like catfood. I was going to sell it to them and make a profit..."

Tall blonde woman shouts "uh" and lets fly with her fist. Garibaldi ducks and she punches herself in the head by accident, knocking herself out. Lyta grabs blonde's blaster and assumes command.

"OOOOKKAAAAYYYY any of you flippin' sticks move and I'll execute every last mother-friggin' one of ya..."

"Calm it Mrs. Alexander," says Bester, calmly strolling around from behind the plantpots.

"A-ha. Betcha didn't know I was there. Yes, it's all true. The PsiCorp implanted Garibaldi with an, er, implant. We told him what to do before he was even on Babylon 5. We returned him to normal. He remembers everything, but doesn't like it."

"Damn right, that's telling 'em." says Garibaldi. Bester turns on him with a wry smile on his face.

"Ah, Mr Garoboldi. Fishsticks."

He disappears behind the plantpots again. Garibaldi screams and then settles down.
"Jesus... I've just remembered where they put Sheridan... must be some kind of latent memory activated by a password. Come on, let's go. I'm a hero now, I can rescue him."

They all dash out of the room like in an Enid Blyton book.


Back on B5, G'wild'kard and Mondo Rondollari are arguing whether to rescue Sheridan, making the crucial decision with a 20p coin.

"Ahhh, ahhh, Shlerindkcn is captured.. toss the coin, my lizardine friend..." says Mondo. G'kar tosses the coin. Heads.

"Aahh, ahhh, not heads... it reminds me too much of Mr. Moooorden. Aahhh, yeeessss."

Blah blah... it is decided instead to somehow help Sheridan's fleet by giving them more ships. But haven't they got enough already?


Gary, Lyta and Dr. Frankie are escorted to the inner sanctum/sewer where Sheridan is held.

Gary calls Lyta a Lyar. She babbles on about suing somebody, which is of course, hilarious. For approximately 2 milliseconds.


Ivanona learns of an ambush near Mars.

"Do we go round it or in?" she asks Marcus.

Marcus breaks down crying.
"You'll never know..."


Gary''s back on fighting form, beating up some more Earthforce guards.

"Yippee... look at me... I'm a hero..."

He gets stabbed. The doctor - fixing wound - just doesn't get Garibaldi's joke about the american healthcare system. Not many people do!!

En route - Marcus: "Get some sleep. Could you sleep - or rest?"

Ivanova punches him.
"Shut the hell up you scruffy freak."

But Rangers never bluff - they do a deal - 2 1/2 hours each. Ivanova collapses on the floor and curls up like a cat. Marcus takes the helm - and sticks it on his head.

Incidentally, Marcus looks dodgy - could this be dodgyville?


Back on Mars - Garibaldi's bluffing his way in.

"You seen me? I'm on that show, Babylon 5."

"I don't watch tv... but I do read umts.babylon5. Yup-a-doodie."

"Great. Die, scum." shouts Garibaldi, punching him in the head.

"Hey," says the other guard, woodenly. Lyta puts on her black contact lenses and punches him.

"Ha! He was no match for my telepathic powers."

"What? You punched him!" says Garibaldi. Lyta sighs and removes her contact lenses, on the defensive.

"Huh? No, I frazzled him with my brain. Uuuuurrrggghhh... you are under my influence."

"Come on, let's get out of here," says Frankie, "Let's leave this pathetic lying scum to rot in her own purjory."

"Right," says Garibaldi. They run off, leaving Lyta to her own devices.

"Dammit... I'll get that bald lawyer and his assistant from The Gathering to help me sue those scum. Now, where's my agent's phone number?"


Later on, Lyta proves she's a real telepathic hardass by saying 'pain' to a rogue guard... and kicking him where it hurts.

Garibaldi just pretends to sign an autograph for a B5 fan, before killing him with a pen, a la Joe Pesky in Martin Scourceasar's film, Casino.

"Let's get the codes tele-pathically," says Lyta, rifling through the guard's pockets for a small bit of paper with the codes on while everyone's turned away. She quickly memorises the code on the paper.

"Look, guys, I got the code. 15448545854.."

Frankie types it in. It works. The door slides open.

"Lyta, you're a genius." says Bester, coming out from behind some plantpots. He grins and continues talking.

"Aha, Lyta, you are a more promising pupil than I thought. The implants we placed inside your head are..."

"Shut up." says Sheridan, walking through the doorway and grabbing a pistol off Frankie.

"This is for my father," he shouts, shooting Bester, again and again and again...

Lyta screams and shakes her head from side to side. Bester falls back behind the plantpots for the last time.


Back on the Whitestar, Marcus is being wierd.

"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen." he says, looking in the mirror in the bathroom.

"No. Too corny. 'Do you know Minbari? It's the only language in which I am able to express my love for you'. No, too soppy. Hmm. I could try 'Grab yer coat luv, you've pulled' in Minbari. I think that'll do."

He walks into Ivanova's room and shakes her awake.
"Ivanova. Wake up."

She groggily awakes. He clears his throat and says his ice-breaking line in Minbari, which Ivanova (with her limited grasp of the language) hears as: "Grab yer cushion mother, you're culled."

"What the hell you talking about Marcus?" she says, storming from the room.
Marcus frowns.
"Damn. She hates me."


Later, they go into war against some crazy earthforce shadow ships, and Ivanova cops it.

Later, Sheridan says "My god, this time's Clarke's gone far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far too far. By golly and gumdrops, if it's the last thing I do, I'll..."


Points of Incubation:

0.What will Sheridan do?

1.Is Bester all he seems to be? Is he really dead?

2.What music will Ivanova have played at her funeral?

3.Is Marcus' interest in Ivanova more than purely Freudian? If so, can he be trusted?

4.Is Sheridan going to have his hair cut all spikey, put a ring through his nose, and dance around on a stage like a clown in front of thousands of people?

5.Why is this comedy review so late?
A.I couldn't be arsed. And no-one commented on the last one. It must have really sucked.

6.Why was the last one so late?
A.My videotape ran out.

7.Will the next one be so late?
A.Depends.

8.Wibble. Comments please. If you can be arsed right-clicking and typing some words. Yawn.

9.I'd better stop that Bester behind Plantpots joke. Ah, what the heck, it's funny.


1997 Jeremy Smith.