Comedy Review #420

Welcome to Com.Rev (as mentioned in SFX Maggie) #9. On time for once, anyway.

The story so far:

There was a space station built. Babylon. This was destroyed. Then they...

Oh sod it I can't be bothered.

Com.Rev.9 - Ender's Game (hang on. isn't that a book by Orson 'Welles' Scott 'of the Antarctica' Card 'Shark'?

B5 - We begin with a rather moving scene - Marcus and Ivanova - much more moving than last time. Ivanova doesn't get any lines - but that's JMS's revenge to her for leaving the series (sort of)!!!

During this scene, Chris Franke's slow-ballad remix of 'Stay' is effective and fits rather well...

Altogether now: "Dur de ne dur de ne STAYAYYAYAYYAYAY!!"

Meanwhile, Dr.Frankenstein is sticking a telepath on per Earthforce ship.
"But one telepath per ship?" says some woman, "That's pre-posterous."

Frankie wags his finger.
"One telepath per ship. They're for, er, christmas decoration..."

Down on Mars, Garibaldi's bird-watching, or trainspotting from afar, with a cool pair of high-powered binoculars and a furry anorak.

We think he's alone, but he looks round and it's some blokes in more furry anoraks. Aaaagh!! It's Die Hard 2!!
"Blah de blah let''s kick their asses..." says Gary in his best Bruce Willis. Or is it Bruce Willis in his best Garibaldi?

But where's the PPG's with blank bullets?

Credits Roll

On the Earthforce ship Apollo, a particular Leituenant has picked up the disgusting habit of blatant Plot Exposition. Probably off Bester. That Plot Exposition virus is a dangerous thing, although only minor roles are affected. Observe the pistons... I mean, symptoms:

"And then we'll kick their butts... and then they'll kick our butts... and then we'll fire the nuclear warheads..."

"Yeah," says the other, "And then we'll pretend to surrender, and then Clarke shoots himself in the foot-"

"Head." corrects the Lt.

"Sorry, head - and scribbles some gibberish on a sheep of tape-"

"Paper." corrects the other.

"Right, paper. And then the sheep runs off and he falls onto the sheep and launches the orbiting rabbits-"

"Platforms." corrects the other.

"Pulse cannons, actually." corrects someone else.

"Right, pulp canneries. And then the pulp canneries can loads of pulp, and JMS opens the can and writes on the pulp and comes up with a new branch-"

"Episode." connects the Lt.

"Right. And then Superman pops out of nowhere and saves the world..."

"Worm." corrects the Lt.

In this scene I see:
NiteBotch posters on wall. What they still doing up? I thought Good Ole' Sherry disbanded 'em a while back.

Oops!! Here comes Bruce and his men, wanting to invade the, er, outpost.
But Brucie's arguing with his Die Hard 2 nemesis, Colonel Chunkhead.

"Colonel Chunkhead, you said the terrorists were in the building... But there's nothing there but a huge bomb..."

Kaboom!! Huge explosion!! Flying bodies!!

"This PPG's full of blanks... Where's my skisled? Watch out for that tree!!
Stop that Jumbo Jet!! Where's my lighter?" Kaboom! etc etc.

Within seconds they have infiltrated the outpost and taken control of, erm, some radio equipment, I think. But *we* know they're really there for the rare NiteBotch posters, signed by Clarke himself.

Sherry's back, still got that fetching beard. Obviously cracked up under torture so much that he can't be arsed to shave. I know the feeling!!

He makes a broadcast big-screen style. Reminds me of Big Brother, 1984 and all that.

On the Apollo, hilariously bad American-trying-to-speak-with-an-English-accent blokes are 2-a-penny.
Except for the gruff leading commander, General Git.

"I taught sherry everything he knows," he rumbles, "I taught him how to fight a Walrus in hand-to-hand combat, how to open a tin of beans with your jawbone when there's no Shadow-powered tin openers in the drawer, how to go 6 weeks without shaving and still look cool, how to cut, style and blow-dry your hair using only the shards from a tin of beans and bad breath. Aye, I taught him everything he knows."

"What about attack formations?" asks a cheeky Lt. General Git turns in his chair.

"Eh? What? Well, I mean, you can't teach a man everything. He's got to get out there and learn things like attack formations for himself."

"Er, so what does that mean?" says Lt. Cheeky. Git shuffles in his chair.

"Er, well, we're dead basically. Pass the whisky bottle. And hand me some dice."

Lyta's got headband trouble and is forced to wear a crummy fur-lined parker - she pops outside for a while so no-one can see how stupid she looks. But believe me, she *does* look stupid.

Meanwhile, Bruce is telling a fairytale to his daughter, who's stranded in a spaceship high above.
"Hey, honey," he croaks, "It's all gonna be okay. Remember Snow White and the 7 dwarves? Well, sugar, we're the7 mean mother----ers and we come to chew bubblegum and kick evil witches' ass. Sleep tight, sugar."

The only thing cracking the mirror, though, is bloated Garibaldi.

Marcus is chatting to Lenor (aka Robbie the Robot) about ways of curing Ivanova.

"Well, there's nothing usable on B5," says Lenor, "But... but... Oh look, there's a fried egg on the windshield... Wonder how that got there."

And thus the cliche' of interrupted-plot-exposition occurs, which is *really* annoying. Marcus is so annoyed, he storms off to look for Ivanova.

Bruce got the longtitude and latitude mixed up.
"Oh no, the ship's gonna crash. Look, maybe I can run outside with some petrol-soaked Kleenex tissues, spread them along the ground, set fire to them with my lighter, and YIPPIE-KYAY!! A landing beacon!! Save my daughter!!"

"Don't bother." says Franklin, "The whole place is razed to the ground, anyway. Put your Kleenex away, Garibaldi."

Lyta looks bloody stupid in a furry parka. like Naomi Campbell or something.

With the TP's aboard the Earthclass wotsits, maybe Bester's girlfriend gets to destroy some ships?? That would be cool, uh-huh-huh.

Aboard the Earthclass ship Apollo, a telepath gets out of its box and starts walking around. In the style of the Japanese Tetsuo films (or, alternatively, any amateur electrician), it starts grabbing bits of wire from here and there. Add a couple of flashing lights and: Viola!! Your very own christmas tree. Aaaah... innit nice...

Not really, it's a rouge (as in red, stealed joke thingy) telepath, and it wants its' fairy on the top. So to speak.

Back on the Deathstar, Marcus is using the ultimate search engine, Altavista, to find the secrets of eternal life.

"Computer, search Altavista for any references to eternal life."

10 minutes later, it comes up with the following:
"Altavista search engine from Digital. Advert banner reads: Buy a Ford car and see what you're missing. 35,000 documents found-"

"Bloody hell!!" shouts Marcus, rubbing his hands together.

"100% relevance:
-1. Eternal life in Quake, be a master gamesp- (English)
2.Gdnherhf Hjkideh HHhfijeki (Centauri)
3.<start javascript --> --> -->
document.gibber=document.(bodytextvaluestores*22)+3)+3)+time_of_day))))))))) )
4.Welcome to the PC Gamer website. To enter we require your
password:<cgi-bin 21544?592554425&55142544595.d
5.Welcome to the alt.babylon5.uk Website.
[news][views][reviews][spoilers][shoes][blues][news archive]"

"Hmm." says Marcus, "That looks interesting. Computer, take me to spoilers."

The computer finds the relevant link.
"This week's spoilers: Marcus uses the machine back on B5 to save Ivanova, however this has the unfortunate-"

"That's it!" shouts Marcus, running from the room.

Sheridan gets a call from Delenn.

"I'll take this privately," he says, putting on some dodgy old headphones.

"Hello? Delenn? Can you hear me? HELLO?? SPEAK LOUDER!! These headphones are shagged... LISTEN DELENN, SPEAK UP!!"

He removes the headphones and throws them to the floor.
"Oh sod it. Let's just get on with it. If it's important she'll call back."

Sheridan then gives a lecture to the crippled Earthforce ships- but no-one can hear with no radio or computer. Speech:
"I have sent you all some groovy techno-christmas-trees with lots of flashing lights. You will join in me with the spirit of christmas. I am Santa, come to avenge the deaths of my little gnomes. I repeat: lay down your prezzys before the christmas trees..."

They give up, leaving Prezzy SandiClarke-o to fend for himself. He shoots himself in the foot by ordering the destruction of Earth, like a true git.
He then scratches his ear with a PPG. Next, his brain.

Woman pops into his office and finds something scrawled on an ink blotter.
"Mortal man has the limitation of being mortal. Earth will be burnt toast."

She realises the implications of this.
"This is no job for Sheridan. 'Superman, Superman, save us save us..."

And from miles away, like a speeding bullet, comes Superman, crushing the orbiting defence platforms into little diamonds, which he then throws into the sun in time to avert a major solar-flare catastrophe.

"Oh, you've done it," nags the woman in Clarke's office. Superman flies down onto the bridge of the Armageddon, causing a major hull breach, and stands there smugly with his arms crossed.

"There, I've saved the earth."

Sheridan is not pleased.
"You stupid git. You've breached the hull. Kill him."

Multiple PPG's appear out of nowhere and blow Superman to kingdom come.

"Let's get the hell out of here." says Sheridan, "Engage. And stuff Superman's corpse in that hull breach. Should fit nicely."

And all the while, Marcus is donating blood in the B5 hospital. But how long can he last without the free cup of tea and some biscuits?? (this one's for UK residents only)

Points of Discussion:

0.Why didn't I make a joke about Clark Kent and Superman? Just forgot, I suppose...

1.Yeh - ISNs back. Discuss.

2.How did ISN get most of the battle on camera when they're in prison?
3.Dr.Frankie's got a mississippi accent: yeeeaaawwwhhh.

4.Marcus giving his life for ivanova? Nooo!!! She''s leaviing the series anyway... what a waste... Now there'll be no more characters with an English accent (unless you count King Arthur, but he's a bloody idiot anyway)

Please comment on this review or I'll never write one ever again. (That bluff always works...)

Or do the Daniel Ratcliffe thing and highlight all the best bits so I can laugh at them myself... :-)