Comedy Review #510

B5 Comedy Review 3

Captain Langley tells all her problems to her watch regarding the TPs.

"You know, like, these TP's. They keep drinking all the milk, I can't find my slippers, and someone keeps moving my stuff around."

Garibaldi is surprised.
"Why don't you just tell them not to?"

She shrugs.
"They're not usually in the room. The stuff just moves around by itself.
Telly-kinesis, I call it. What can you do? I've called in Bester."

Garibaldi is shocked.
"He's an idiot. Cheats at poker."

Bester steps out from under nearby coffee table and stares blankly at the opposite wall, as if reading.

"Ah, Mr. Garibarldi. I never cheat at poker. And it's such a lovely day. Ah, <snigger>, I see you have 'guests'. I must apologise for my unwarranted intrusion. Ah, Mrs. Langstrom, I can tell from your mind that the telepaths are distressing you. Isn't it lucky that I brought several regiments of armed maniacs along with me, just in case I got any hassle when I went to buy some bread?"

Lockley stands for a moment, unsure what to say. Then, she does.
"Okay. Those TP's won't get away with this murder stuff. It's time to toast some telepaths."

Bester chuckles.
"I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking in the end."

And in a second, he's vanished back under the coffee table.

Gari scowls.
"That was a close call. For a minute there I thought we were psy-meat."

Lockley glares at him.
"Do you dare question the word of the Master*?"

Gari shuts up.

*This, of course, refers to Bester, who has hypnotised Lockley in the same way he hypotonised Gari.

"There's somebody at the door!" chant the telepaths. But no Grotbags. Or Croc. Or Rod Hull. Emu. Or anything like that. No, it's Bester and cronies, bustin' in on their little party.

*Boring Historical analysis Bit* (BHB)

Hmm... can't remember any sieges back in the civil war... must be a reference to the Waco Siege... Which makes Sheridan Bill-O-Rights Clintun, and Delenn Maddy All-Brite. And the TP's the Branch Byronians. And Bester is the head of BBATF (Bester's Bureau of Alcopops, Telepaths and Fun).

Then again, perhaps I'm reading too much into it... deep breath... I've got to cut down on the political satire...

TPs are standing around at the door and going ''omm''.
Cliche' alert... People standing round a door and going 'omm' is the oldest narrative trick in the book, evoking bad memories of 70's hammer-horror. So be it.

Cliche' #2 - even with loadsa security services to help out, Lockley wants to go in through the ducts to infiltrate the TP's. Dumb. The ducts don't have any say in the matter. Except 'Quack'...

Scene 3


[Lockley is jammed in the shaft on the way in. Garibaldi can be heard sniggering]

Hey guys, I think she ate all the pies.
[All the guards laugh uproariously.]

Hey, Lockley, do you need any help? Shall I give you a 'hand'.
[More sniggers]

Bester, you even dare and you'll regret it.

There's many things I regret, Captain. And there are risk I can take.

Hey, I've got an idea, Bester. Why don't you ask the telepaths to use their powers of telekenesis to suck Lockley through the duct?

[Bester laughs.]

Nah. Okay, everyone, 1-2-3, push...

Damn you Bester.

Meanwhile, back on Centauri, Londo is moaning about the accounts and eating fresh Spoo. I guess if that's his idea of fun...

Meanwhile, Gkar discovers the cruel secret about the Southern palace - there's someone locked in a cell with nothing to eat but Narn bread and Spoo - and in a cell it's Gkar's old buddy, er, some woman.

Londo explains

"Gkarrr, they've been guarding your, er, lady friend ever since it became nisessary and haven't had countermanded orders to say 'noooo, ya don't wanna do that ya fool'. Let me tell you a story... 20 years ago, I was in a hurry to get to a Palace disco, so I ordered an imperial taxi. When I got there, I told the driver to 'wait' until I got back from the disco. Unfortunately, the disco was bombed by the Narn resistance, so although I was okay, I never got back to the taxi. And when the disco was re-opened for a 70's revival a couple of years ago, I went along. And who should still be waiting outside but the taxi driver? Heh, we had a larf..."

Gkar nods.
"He was still alive?"

Londo nods.


''Cos he went and slapped a bill for 2 billion Centauri Dollars on me. The swine left the meter running."

Lockley is going to the far side.

Bester: "Say hello to Gary Larson for me!!"

Lockley:"Shut up, you sick telepath. And keep yer japes to yerself."

She makes it to the end of the airduct, only to meet Lord Byron.

Byron:"Ok, darlin', what seems to be the problem?"

Lockley:"You must give yourselves up. Bester will burn his way in here if he must."

Byron:"Yeah, right. Give ourselves up to a life of slavery in the Psi-Corp?"

Lockley:"It's better than death."

Byron:"Suit yourself, Lockley. Now, get outta here. Oh, there is one thing you can do."

Lockley:"What? A peace treaty?"

Byron:"7000 frozen pizzas. Bring them in 6 hours or we blow up the station. You see, we need food to survive."

Lockley:"Mushroom or mozzarella?... Right. See ya!!"

Meanwhile, Drazi ship go kaboom. They find some Brickerie metal!! Whatever that is, I don't know, but they blame the Brickerie for their kaboom ship.

Sheridan condemns them both.
"I dunno, you guys... Heh, you're like stuff fraying - pulling a thousand threads apart by the seams - ha - reminds me of my youth."

Drazi:"Captain, what the hell are you blibbling about?"

Captain:"Heh, I used to ride a chipper-brown pony named 'George Washington' up and down Ohio through all the grass, and the trees..."

Drazi: "Oh, sod this. Look, captain, we think you suck. So we're breaking away and forming our own confederate union."

Captain:"Oh, sod off then. You don't want to hear my story anyway."

Drazi:"Damn right. Come on other bloke, let's go and write a constitution. We can nab the one Gkar wrote."

Next, Bester is looking unbearably smug. Dunno why though, considering the telepaths have just shot 2 people dead. He's mostly depressed about the price of fish and reduced hemlines. Same old Bester.

Last of all, TPs go all wierd again.

Verdict: Good episode. Yeah!!

Blah blah so there you go. Next:

1998 Jeremy Smith.