Comedy Review #516

Garibaldi sees a scene of devastation loom ahead of him - No, it's not his bedroom, it looks like Babylon 5's been destroyed. Captain Sheridan lies under a girder, battered and bruised.

"Hey, you okay, Chief?" asks Garibaldi, staggering around with his brown paper bag. And not a bottle in sight.

Sheridan shrugs.
"Oh yeah, just fine here. Let me put it this way - I'll probably die, but at least I don't have to pay for my military funeral. Then again, I'm already dead, and I'm not sure Delenn can afford a funeral. Oh dear. Perhaps I'll get buried on the telepath homeworld - if they had one. God, I could have done so much..."

"Shut up, rodeo-head," shouts Garibaldi's drunken doppelganger, waving a rocket launcher at Sheridan.

Garibaldi is confused.
"Am I playing immersive network-Doom?"

"Too right, bald-guy," says Lyta with the glowing eyes, "And I got myself extra energy and the cheat-mode is activated... In my favour..."

"Ah yes, but I have drunken-skills," says Garibaldi's doppelganger. Lyta laughs out loud.

"Drunken skills? I guess you can finish the bottle before I shoot you?"

"Good idea."

Suddenly, Garibaldi is thrown back into his bedroom, out of the game. "Dammit, I know I shouldn't have got Windows 2264... Damn thing crashed again... Back to Beta 3.00..."

But he doesn't have enough time to think what might have been, as a Bimbo walks in the door. She's rich, she's beautiful, you could use her jawline as a coathook, it's Lise!!

"You been playing Doom again?" she intones huskily, "I can smell Twinky's on your breath..."

Garibaldi stutters.
"N-n-n-n-no... My name's-na-me's M-m-m-Max... M-m-Max H-h-h-h-h-h-Headroo-H-Headroo-H-"

She groans and reaches for the bottle of mind-rotter Turpentine-substitute she keeps in her pocket.
"Cheaper than whisky and twice the fun." she says, before downing a downer.

To cap off the introduction, Lennier finally gets off his lazy butt and quits training, so he can give Delenn some progress reports.

"Well, stuff blown up etc. Looks like the Universe just became a worse place."

Delenn gnashes her teeth.
"If only they'd kept McGuiver on the air. Then we wouldn't be in the situation we are now. People can learn from the mistakes of others, and McGuiver was a fine example to everyone with his mastery of elastic-band merchandising, cod electrical circuits made from the jokes on lollipop sticks, and fish."

Lenor nods sagely.
"So what you're saying is, if we get proof that the Centauri are behind the attacks, we can go into a full-scale war with them?"

"Ya damn right, Lenor. As usual." smiles Delenn. A truly alien mind.

Lyta thinks that by offering herself to Gkar, she can help out the telepaths. Whatever... I could say the same technique got her a starring role, but that would be libellious and untrue.

Meanwhile, all Vir's appointments are off - so he's off work for the day. Clearly fisticuffs with the Drazi made him too exhausted to work.

Meanwhile, Garibaldi's 'in there' with Lise... in his apartment, that is. Unfortunately, he's in the shower, the Bourbon's in the cupboard, then the Bourbon's out there, Lise's outside, and Gari's out of his mind.

With Lise's suggestion, the Booze goes down the drain - a bit like Gari's relationship and career. Hoop-la!!

Next, Lenor is yabbering about something or other. As usual.

Sherry n Delenn have a big ole dis-argument about something or other. As usual.

Lenor's gone AWOL - OWELL.

Lenny's looking for a hidden Centauri base. How original!! Stop by the Horse Nebula and pick up some booze would ya, mate?

Gari treats Lise to a CGI-generated restaurant.

Garibaldi- "Everyone's leaving - Where the hell did everyone go?"

Er, the spin-off series? Lucrative film careers? I mean, Ivanova's got Moggies 2 - Get ya Claws Off - to finish, which should be a classic... TV movie. Wait for it on late-night Channel 5 anytime soon (cos they sure as dang showed part 1 last May).

Lennier''s head's looking a bit wooden - just like his acting. Nah, that's tight - just like his paycheck


Why is Goodfellas Italian pizza made in Ireland? Must be an Irish-Italian-American pizza... What do you get if you cross Denis Leary with Joe Pesci? a psychotic wisecracking short-ass. Hang on... That's just Joe Pesci...

blah blah war etc

Nostradamus corner

I predict:

All out war... between Garibald and... his wig. Thing is, he can accuse 'it, but he can't make it stick.

I predict:

A man in white with red, glowing eyes will... be shunned by everyone he meets and end up working for an advertising agency.

I predict:

Sheridan will eat his own words when captured by the Centauri, as a form of punishment. Unfortunately, this includes his official inauguration speech, so he will suffer acute indigestion.

I predict:

Commander Sinclair will come back through time and fool everyone until he pulls off his rubber Minbari mask to reveal Morden and then he'll rip it off to reveal... the first one, then he'll rip that off to reveal... Ronald Reagan.

He'll chuck that mask and become, in order of appearance:
An ageing Donald Pleasance,
Burt Reynolds,
Ambassador Kosh,
The Drazi Ambassador.

And finally of all... it's Lennier!! He's alive after all. And he's brought
the Centauri Keeper in a plastic bag as a souvenir. Good old Lenny!!

All in all, a good episode, but not satisfying. Like most TV.

[Yeah, I know, these reviews are late - Oh well... BTW, there's no for 518, as I didn't take notes... I may be able to remember the plot, though]

1998 Jeremy Smith.