Comedy Review #517

Ep number 517 or summat? And all my Reams Born Under...

Babcom 5 [what's dis mean?] -

Delenn is weak as a kitten.

"I'll need all my strength in the upcoming war. I'm as weak as a kitten. John, have you got that Lucozade I asked you to get? John? John?"

Strength? What strength - she's crying like a baby!!

Sheridan walks in. "Pardon, Delenn? I couldn't hear what you were gibbering on about. Shower's free."

But she doesn't need a shower - she can just weep like a baby and let forth a stream of tears.

Sheridan finds a slipper on the floor - no doubt it's a Centauri slipper. "I think this is a Centauri slipper.." mumbles Sheridan cryptically. Delenn looks up. "No, it's mine." Sheridan shrugs. "Ah heck, we'll just *pretend* it's Centauri; we can use it as evidence of their ongoing infiltration of Babylon 5." Delenn frowns. "Good idea. But it's still my slipper."

"Sorry" sniggers Sheridan, handing over the offending footwear.

Meanwhile, Londo tries to get into his daily council session but finds his way blocked by a B5 Security Goon.

"Let me in, you foolish freak..." cries Londo. Goon chuckles. "You can't come in. They're taking the piss out of you in there, you know."

Londo frowns. "Can you tell me what they're saying?"

The guard chuckles. "Something about - fat, balding pumpkinhead."

Londo turns red. "I *must* go in there. We usually take the piss out of Sheridan, I'm *never* the butt of the joke... Let me in..."

The guard sniggers. "No..."

Londo storms off.

Meanwhile, in the council session, a party's swinging... Sheridan picks up a videotape marked "Battlestar Galactica Edit" and holds it in the air.

"Here is, er, conclusive evidence that the Centauri are... a bunch of fat, brush-headed Roman wannabes..."

Everyone laughs and claps at the joke. Sheridan talks on. "Now, we promised all you lot that we'd kick the Centauri's ass, for no apparent reason, should I be able to fabricate enough evidence. I am pleased to say that we have done so, and should be at war with the suckers soon."

There's another round of applause. Delenn blushes with pride.

Gkar joins in with the applause, not because he's betraying Londo, but because he thinks Sheridan is giving a toast to Garibaldi for outstanding services to the Bruce Willis fan club.

And as the credits roll, we muse on Sheridan's words - Giants, indeed, in the playground.

Franklin explains how Rod Cones can work out which weapon is which.

"John, these Rod Cones are highly useful. You can actually find out what weapon was used to kill someone."

Sheridan is curious. "Really? Please demonstrate."

Franklin hands a gun to Sheridan. "Okay, shoot me, John. In the head."

John waves the gun unsurely. "I can't *do* this, Frankie. I can't *shoot* you. I've known you for years."

Franklin looks exasperated. He takes the gun back. "Whatever. I think being president has turned you soft as cheese spread, John. I mean, you can't shoot your old buddy? Anyway, please observe that if you had shot me, I would have known what weapon you'd used, by consulting the Rods and Cones."

Sheridan frowns. "No you wouldn't know, I would have shot you and you'd be dead."

"Good point."

Londo gets annoyed, or rather, puzzled.

"Vir, I just can't understand it. I mean, why are they slagging off the Centauri? It's not as if the reagant has completely lost it, the palace is controlled by dark forces, and I was saved from a fate like death by a guy with glowing green eyes, now, is it? I mean, none of those would explain why Centauri ships are attacking other worlds?"

Vir shrugs. "Nah, it's probably the Drazi running an undercover operation. No viewers will remember all that you have mentioned since 2 episodes ago, which means the conclusion to this particular war will be quick, uninteresting, not particularly exciting, and insult the viewer..."

Londo nods. "Yeeess, much like Murder She Wrote. *sigh*."

In Sheridan's new Court of the Canja-ru, Garibaldi tells of how he found a slice of Centauri pizza when he was attacked on the Drazi homeworld.

"Those bastards nearly shot me up - I dropped my bottle of whisky off the balcony and got 2 of 'em, but they just kept coming. So I gave 'em the ole' Garibaldi special, punch in the kidneys and the somersault..."

Sheridan looks exasperated. "Mr. Garibaldi, this court does not wish to hear how you came to defeat an entire battallion of Drazi, as that is a load of old bull-fodder. We *would*, however, like to hear how your alcoholic dribbling self came to find the pizza slice, after you were senselessly beaten by these 'Drazi'."

The Drazi ambassador whines in protest. "I must protest. Are you *insinuating* that the Drazi beat up this man?"

Sheridan thinks for a moment. "Hmm... Okay, scratch that. Let's say... the Drazi who beat up Mr.Garibaldi here were Centauri with Drazi face-paint. Please continue, Mr.G."

'G' chuckles. "Anyway, so outside the hotel I dispatched the 16 guys in hoods and searched them. No kind of ID, but I found an old mouldy pizza slice. Further analysis of the slice in Dr. Franklin's lab revealed it was of Centauri origin, as the Pepperoni used is only grown on the Centauri homeworld."

Sheridan holds up the mouldy slice. "Of course, Pepperoni is usually a kind of meat, but the Shadows gave the Centauri the technology to grow it on trees. Exhibit A."

G'Kar stands up and wags a finger in protest. "Captain, I must protest..."

Sheridan cocks his head slightly. "Do you have conflicting evidence that this slice is not what it seems?"

G'Kar fidgets impatiently. "Noooooo... I have dinner with my publishers and simply *must* go. This court is eating into my lunch schedule..."

Sheridan bangs the gavel. "Court dismissed. The evidence is overwhelming. Exhibit J, proof of Centauri attacks,"

He holds up the Hi-8 tape marked 'Battlestar Galactica SFX - The Model Outtakes";

"And this mouldy pizza slice prove without a doubt that the Centauri are directly responsible for these attacks..."

The crowd start to applaud. He waves them down. "And so... We are now at *war* with the Centauri-"

He smiles as he receives a standing ovation.

Last of all, Vir tries to get through to Londo but the Roger Moore James Bond doesn't put him in contact.

"Vir, old chap, I'm afraid I can't do that. Looks like 'the phone went dead'. Hee-hee... Oh no, here comes Goldfinger and Blofeld, brandishing shotguns and chanting my name - I really must go.... Activate Shadow-powered-Austin Maestro..."

The line goes dead.

Vir is annoyed. "Big communication problem, indeed... - And why does that bloke always answer the phone? Doesn't he have a secretary?"

And they're at war. Check christmas eve for the next appalling incitement... (exciting installment - it's a kind o' pun)

1998 Jeremy Smith.